I had been writing a column in Urdu for Monthly Aafaq. It was not a regular monthly column that I contributed to, but somewhat occasional. Whenever, I laughed I felt that I should share this laughter with the readers, and so I starting writing. It was satire and hilarious. However, several readers thought it was too serious a subject to laugh about. Some of them felt the need to mourn rather than to smile.
Urdu Monthly Aafaq has closed its publication last year. And I didn’t get any proper media to continue it. When I saw Br. Jawed Anwar’s e-mails and revival of DailyMuslims.com blog, I thought that I might try to write in English. Yet again Urdu readers who can read this column might feel that the characters are so real and issues are too serious that it would make them cry and not laugh. The English readers particularly, born Canadians might think that the language is not so poor to laugh. They may also disqualify this columnist on the basis of English as a second language or second grade language.
Despite all these fears of repercussions, believe me, I will try my best to make you laugh. If you don’t, please contact me I will come to you and will share some jokes to make you laugh. If the jokes will are not helpful I will physically poke your belly to make you laugh. If you are too religious then I request that you just smile.
Brothers and Sisters! This is not just a column. It is a Talk Show. Mulla’ Maghrib’s Talk Show.
Believe me (you have to believe) that every character of this column/Talk Show and interviewees are (and will be) fictitious and imaginative. And this writer is not responsible for any accidental match or similarity.
Now hold your breath. It is an interview with an important figure of our community. I bet you were never read this kind of interview in your life and perhaps may l never read in the future.
In today’s talk show my guest is Mr. Batil Chingar.
Mr. Batil Chingar is unique in many ways. He is one of the most respectful members of the community and highly rewarded by Ms. Whisky.
Mr. Chingar is ex-President and ex-Vice President of Masjid Abu Salam. Currently, he is the salesperson of Muslim graves. His best contribution to the community is that he discovered a community from the ruins of Lut (A.). He empowered them and introduced and imposed them upon the Muslim community. He will always be remembered from the present hell (world) to the next hell (hereafter) for his extra ordinary services. He is eternal, unforgettable and unforgivable. Without wasting any further time in the introduction, let us talk to him.
Mulla Maghrib: Thank you Mr. Chingar for coming for this interview.
Mr. Batil Chingar: You are welcome, Thank you for inviting me.
Mulla: First of all, please accept my heartiest congratulation on the victory of your chosen MP, Mr. Paap Elephant from Western Valley.
Chingar: My pleasure.
Mulla: I saw your video dancing in the victory celebration with Mr. Paap Raffeeeq. It was an excellent dance and very surprising. How did you learn it? You were born and brought up in a religious family of native Gujarat, how did you learn this western dance?
Chingar: Well! When I decided to join the Canadian political system. I deemed it very important. You have to learn etiquette and culture when you need to integrate with the Canadian society. To further your knowledge, it was not just a western dance. It was a mixture of Canadian Beaver with Desi Bhangra.
Mulla: I got it. I noticed that instead of a woman dance partner you were dancing joining hand to hand with a man.
Chingar: If you could know the gender of Mr. Elephant, you should not ask this question.
Mulla: Sorry, I am so naive on this subject.
Chingar: Really, you should learn as well. It is very important for our community and its future. We should have to integrate with our colorful Canadian rainbow multicultural society.
Mulla: I know. It is very important however Mrs. Mulla is extremely religious. She will throw me out from my home when she will come to know that I am learning to dance.
Chingar: I know. This is such a backward mentality. We have to get rid of this as early as possible. Br. Mulla! You have to teach and train your wife. Ask her to throw out the back home garbage from her tiny head.
Mulla: Did you educate and train your wife?
Chingar: Yes! Off course! She is perfectly all right on all these cultural matters.
Mulla: O My God! Sorry! I am scared. You can’t imagine what will happen if Mrs. Mulla will hear about this interview.
Chingar: Come on brother! Don’t be a slave to your wife.
Mulla: Are you not aware of Canadian women’s right? Do you don’t know women friendly 911?
Chingar: I know, but……….
Mulla: Let us talk on other issues.
Mulla: I always wonder why you named your founded Masjid; Abu Salam. Abu means father. It translates, Masjid of father of Salam. It sounds bizarre.
Chingar: Well! It is correct. Salam is the name of my son.
Mulla: So it means that Masjid is the property of the father of Salam.
Chingar: Yes! What is wrong with it? I founded it. I went door to door to collect the donations. I put a lot of my blood and sweat in the process. Salam was born during my struggle to establish this Masjid. He is the product of my hard work being paid off for the Masjid. That’s why it is Abu Salam Masjid.
Mulla: Hmm I understand, your effort is appreciated. But why was the AGM of the Masjid suspended and Salam’s dad kicked out from the Abu Salam Masjid? This was sad and disturbing news for me.
Chingar: Yes! They are dense and unappreciated people. After all I did for them, I got nothing in return. That’s the main reason of the backwardness of our community. During the member selection of the Masjid, I was too selective. They are all from my tribe, from my native land, but they revolted. It is sad part, but it happens in life.
Mulla: You are right. They don’t seem to see reason. They lost one of the most talented members of our Muslim community. Did they have any objection for your continuous political and social support to the members from the nation of Lut?
Chingar: No! They don’t have any objection on it. They know that everyone has the freedom of choice to practice any lifestyle of their choosing. We are living in Canada where there are Charters of Right and Freedom. I have informed them of this and they know their rights. We had no problem on these issues.
Mulla: So what was the issue?
Chingar: It was the cemetery issue.
Mulla! Oh! We heard about it. What was the real story behind that.
Chingar: That was the real issue. Look! There is no exclusive Muslim cemetery here in Toronto or anywhere else in Canada. It is the biggest issue that our community was facing. We bury our dead in the allotted sections for Muslims in the Christian cemeteries. That is going to be full soon. I predict our death rate will be much higher than other communities due to several visible and unseen reasons. This was my vision and prejudgment that instigated me to aid in establishing a major Cemetery of Canada exclusively for Muslims including for Shia and Sunni. Unfortunately, these brainless people tried their best to make this project fail. However, just for your knowledge, I sold out more than 1,000 graves within few weeks before they forced me out.
Now, here, we will take a short break of few days. Meanwhile if you have any question to be asked from Mr. Chingar. Email at MullaMaghrib@gmail.com